When Authors Go Wild
by Not Xander and Heffie
Summary: "so, Alec, What is wrong?" "I... I have a confession." Crack fanfic, co writen with ISufferFromHubris at 1:00 in the morning. Careful there is alot of raunchy language later on! Have fun! and enjoy our sleep debrived madness! Its finger licking good!
1. Big And Awkward News!

A/N: ok, this story was written over yahoo instant mesanger at 1:00 in the morning. we switched back and forth as we wrote, playing off of eachother and making the story funnier as we went. by the way it was her idea to do that to Alec, not mine. but, you have to admit it is funny. now read you imeciles. oh one more thing. we are not sure wether or not to turn this into chapters or not. review and such if you want it to.

* * *

Jace was sitting in his favorite cushy arm chair, enjoying the amicable chatter of his friends. The only bad thing was a certain overbearing, self absorbed, annoying, convoluted, red head name Clary.

Magnus, meanwhile, was fully coming on to a certain Alec, who was unnecessarily grumpy that day. "What's wrong, Alec?" he asked his boyfriend, affectionately nuzzling the latter's neck.

"Nothing" was his curt answer. Alec looked off to the side in a brooding manner of sorts that worried everyone, except for Clary that is, whom was still chatting away about some pointless thing.

Clary noticed that Jace wasn't giving her his usual undivided attention, and she grew annoyed at that. "HELLOOOO," she whined, waving her hand in front of Jace's leonine face.

"What do you want?" Jace asked her coldly, glaring at her through his pancake-colored eyes.

Clary was taken aback slightly, but since she received a 'higher-than-thou' attitude, plunged right on. "YOU HAVEN'T BEEN LISTENING TO A SINGLE WORD I'VE SAID ALL NIGHT, JACE! HOW DO YOU THINK THAT MAKES ME FEEL?"

"Yeah, well how do YOU think your dumb-ass approach to life makes ME feel?" Jace retorted, crossing his arms defiantly. Now everyone's attention turned from Alec and Magnus to Clary and Jace.

Jace's eyes were molten and glowing in the light, reflecting his anger at the situation. "It makes me feel SICK! You only care about yourself now, like your friends don't matter! You're _overbearing_, _annoying_ and, dare I say it, _EGOTISTICAL_! Even more so than me! Now leave!"

Jace turned his ocher eyes to the floor and, pointing at the door, said through his teeth, "Just leave me alone, Clarissa."

Clary just looked at him and made a disgruntled noise that sounded like, "Neh?"

Jace just kept pointing to the door, although he did stare her in the eye. "Go." Clary wailed and ran out of the room in a huff.

"Looks like we have a problem," noted Magnus with his usual touch of suave.

"Don't worry about her," Jace said with a dismissive gesture, "we have more pressing matters to attend to first."

With that, he looked pointedly at Alec, who began to fidget in the sudden attention. Jace couldn't help but notice the leer that Magnus directed at Alec. Assuming simply that Magnus found it cute or something, Jace dismissed it. "So, Alec, what is wrong?"

"Well, everyone... I have a... confession to make," Alec admitted, blushing a new shade of purple never seen before by humans. "Guys... I'm... I'm... pregnant."

"WHAT?" exclaimed everyone else in the room.

Magnus had fallen off the couch in his shock and it was lucky that Jace had great balance, or else he would be in the same position.

Isabelle was the first to recover. "H-how did this happen? Who is the o-other father?"

"I... I guess its Magnus, since he is the only person that... well you know," Alec stuttered, his blush not fading at all.

But Sebastian cut him off mid-'Magnus'. "Isn't it obvious?" glowered Sebastian uncharacteristically, gesturing accusingly at Magnus. "It's obviously the warlock's fault."

"Wait," said Jace. "Why are you here? We all HATE you."

"I don't know," mused Sebastian, tapping his chin thoughtfully. "Why AM I here?"

Simon looked over at the evil youth and said smartly, "Aren't you supposed to be dead?"

Sebastian's brow furrowed. "You're right. I am supposed to be dead right now."He glared accusingly at Alec, who flinched. "Then again, guys aren't supposed to get pregnant!"

Alec, who must have gotten over his minute fear, Stood up and glared at Sebastian with the scariest look they had ever seen on him. "If you have no reason for being here, then leave. Go jump off a bridge and actually stay dead this time." Alec blushed in an adorable fashion from the attention and scratched the back of his head. "I don't know what came over me..."

"Hormones," Jocelyn commented from her seat.

"Where the hell did you come from?" Simon yelled in an undignified manner. All of a sudden, Clary burst back into the room, shrieking, "Did I hear that my MOTHER has been in the room this entire time?"

"Shut up, you annoying banshee," groaned Jace.

"Yeah, listen to your adopted brother," prompted Jocelyn. "He's very pretty."

"Why, thank you!" Jace smirked with a touch of arrogance.

"MOTHER!" Clary screamed.

"GET OUT" Alec yelled as he had another of his mood swings, thoroughly frightening Clary, since she bolted out of the room.

"Thank God," muttered Raphael, who was apparently standing behind Simon. The latter jumped.

"Why the hell are you here?" Simon said as he opted to stand and lean against a wall. That way he wouldn't be snuck up on again.

"I feel like it," Raphael stated simply, standing awkwardly close to Simon and inching closer every second.

"NEEGH!" yelled Simon. "Stop creeping on me!"

Raphael leaned in close to the boys ear and whispered seductively, "Make me," then nipped at it playfully.

"This is strangely entertaining," realized Luke, who materialized next to Jocelyn.

"Strangely... I can't look away."

"Yeah," agreed Jace. "Forget Twilight, this is definitely a better vampire romance."

"It's almost as good as _Brokeback Mountain_ and _Queer as Folk_," said Sebastian. "And I really want to join and make it a threesome except I'm afraid they'll suck my blood."

"ICK I did not need that mental image, thank you! And I thought you were a homophobe?" said Magnus, who voiced the thoughts of everyone else. "Oh, and HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET BACK IN?"

"Didn't I tell you to go jump off a bridge and die?" Alec said in the scary icy tone again. "I meant it. Go die a painful agonizing death. And record it so we can watch it."

Sebastian blinked his magnificently black eyes. "Why would I do such an idiotic thing like that?"

Jocelyn said appreciatively, thumping her son of the back, "Yeah, you tell them, sweetie."

"Thanks, Mom," Sebastian muttered.

"Because you're an idiot," offered Alec, answering the until-then unanswered question. Magnus and Jace chuckled at Sebastian, because it's hard to keep a tough guy image with your mom calling you sweetie.

"Are you laughing at me?" questioned Sebastian.

"Yeah," laughed Jace. "We are."

"Definitely," agreed Magnus. "Don't worry, Sebastian, we're laughing _at you._ Not _with you." _

Sebastian narrowed his eyes in a menacing fashion. "Shut up, fag," he said, the comment obviously directed towards Magnus.

"Well now, isn't that a derogatory word. I prefer overly flamboyant," Magnus replied, edging closer to Alec seeing the look in his eyes.

"At least we don't watch things like _Brokeback Mountain_ and_ Queer as Folk_," said Alec, giving a steely eye narrowing to Sebastian.

But suddenly, Raphael pulled Simon against himself into a kiss, and everyone was speechless for a few seconds as they saw Simon flailing around, trying to get away.

Alec and Jace ran over and had to forcibly pull Raphael off Simon, it taking several moments to do so.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU CRAZY MIDGET?" Simon yelled after her recovered slightly from the trauma.

"I... I don't know!" Raphael stuttered hopelessly. "I don't know what came over me!"

"Well, I know what's coming over you now," Simon murmured darkly, punching Raphael square in the jaw. "THAT'S FOR KISSING ME, YOU DAMN LEECH!"

"Thus says a leech himself," said Luke in a scholarly way.

"Are you pregnant too?" asked Sebastian in an innocent tone while looking down over the vampire on the ground.

"I don't know anymore," Raphael moaned helplessly. "Someone is toying with us and is controlling our actions."

"Like an author," said Jace.

It dawned on every one of them at the same time. "OH MY GOD! THIS IS JUST SOME HORRIBLE FANFICTION WHERE EVERY POSSIBLE THING THAT COULD HAPPEN, HAPPENS!"

Suddenly Sebastian found that he had a tremendous attraction for Simon, something about those glasses. He moved forward, backed the boy into a wall, and grabbed his chin. "Eep," was all Simon could say, as this guy was FAR more terrifying than Raphael.

"Kiss me, you fool," moaned Sebastian, getting very, erm, "happy", per se.

And Simon somehow found himself passionately making out with Sebastian Morgenstern.

But... he hadn't wanted to. What was going on?

"Well, at least i still have two straight children," Valentine said from the kitchen, where he was observing the happenings and drinking what appeared to be brandy.

"AAAAAAAAAAGH!" screamed every single person, other than Valentine.

And somewhere in the world, two very demented teenage girls named Carrie and Maddie laughed cruelly...

For they were writing this tale.

_Fin._


	2. Tornado

A/N: Here you are you crazy threatining people! *pulls out spartain shield* there are a few things that you need to know. about a month and a half has past, we decided, so Alec has been getting a little, well, bigger, simon has been with Raphael and Sebastian this whole time, Valentine is still drinking Brandy, and we don't own TMI, tornados, NYC, Brokebak Moutain, Jake Gyllenhaal, Heath Ledger *snif*, or Loagan Lerman. this was aslo writen at 1:00am. if we get sick, we are blaming you.

* * *

Sebastian was busy watching _Brokeback Mountain _with his lovers, Raphael and Simon, when an unexpected thing happened. A tornado, in the middle of New York City, hit the Institute and flung it up in the air.

"TAKE COVER!" screamed Clary, tackling Jace maniacally and sending them flying into a coffee table.

"Get off of me, bitch!" Jace yelled at her, trying to wrench himself from her evil grasp.

"ZOMG a tornado!" exclaimed Simon. "Now we can't finish watching Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger making out with each other and having a forbidden cowboy romance!"

"How can you concentrate on _television_ when there's a God-damn tornado that sent the entire building flying in the air?" Alec asked him angrily.

"Well you know what, preggers? Maybe I have different priorities than you!" yelled Simon over the wind.

"You tell him honey!" Sebastian whispered in his ear, grabbing his waist.

"GET OFF OF ME YOU CREEPER!"

"That isn't what you said last night," Sebastian hissed, his hot breath sending shivers down Simon's spine.

"THIS IS NO TIME FOR YOU IDIOTS TO SCREW EACH OTHER! WE ARE IN A FIZZING TORNADO HERE!" yelled Isabelle, who was hanging onto the kitchen doorframe for dear life.

"Why are you censoring yourself?" Magnus asked.

"I have no idea in Hades."

"Well, I think you're all being overly dramatic," sniffed Jocelyn, looking fairly at ease despite the fact that they all were caught in a tornado.

Valentine's glass of brandy (he was CONSTANTLY guzzling the stuff) flew out of his hand and spilled all over a certain High Warlock of Brooklyn.

"UGH!" exclaimed Magnus. "I am going to have to clean this at least six times to get the smell out! And this was my _FAVORITE _shirt, you ass!" he yelled at Valentine.

"And I should feel sorry for you?" began Valentine. "That was not just any brandy. It was _SPECIAL _brandy that my great-grandfather made in _1867_ in his bootleg business! AND IT WAS WASTED ON YOUR SHIRT! I WAS REMEMBERING MY ANSESTORY! NO SIR, YOU ARE THE ASS!"

"Boys, boys, boys, stop _bickering_," sighed Isabelle. "Gosh, all you guys do is _argue." _

"Shut up, Isabelle!" Jace yelled.

"You're not helping."

"Yeah," Clary agreed while trying to latch onto Jace's arm.

"GET OFF ME, BITCH!" Jace yelled at her.

Clary's eyes started to tear up and leak. "Why do you hurt me so?"

"Because you're an obnoxious brat," Jace said matter-of-factly.

Clary then started to full out bawl, out doing the wind in the tornado. Outside the tornado cringed as it heard the obnoxious noise, and plugged its ears. Not being able to stand it anymore, it spat out everything and ran away.

"SHUT THE FUCK _UP_, BITCH!" exclaimed everyone besides Clary once the tornado ran away for dear life. Who knew that their least favorite ginger could make such an ungodly sound?

"God, you're obnoxious!" added Raphael, turning to Simon. "How did you put up with this imbecile for sixteen years?"

"I don't know," Simon said mournfully.

"I can't believe you used to want to fuck that! I mean, look at it!" Sebastian exclaimed.

"I was in denial back then," Simon tried to explain.

"That's because it was before you ever fucked me," Sebastian purred, running his arm up the latter's leg in a sexual manner.

"BACK OFF BITCH, HE'S MINE!" exclaimed Raphael, grabbing Simons arm and pulling him slightly away in a possessive manner.

"NO! YOU BACK OFF!" Sebastian yelled, grasping the disgruntled brunet's other arm and pulling.

"NEHG! Not this again!" Simon shouted helplessly.

"Yeah, well, maybe you should stop talking and have sex with BOTH of us for a change!" Sebastian screamed, tugging fiercely on Simon.

Suddenly, Simon had an odd change of character and smacked both of their heads. "Shut up! We can just have a threesome!"

"Threesome! WOOT!" the three boys exclaimed, running into a room.

"HEY!" Clary called after them in frustration. "THAT'S MY ROOM!"

"WE DON'T GIVE A SHIT," they yelled back at her, locking the door to Clary's room behind them.

Moans and other noises gradually began to be heard from the other room, disturbing everyone to the deepest core of there being. "Umm... guys..." Clary started, breaking the silence. "Can I have a new room?"

"NO!" everyone yelled.

Valentine emerged from nowhere in particular, holding a new glass of brandy, and sighed. "That boy has been in the closet his whole life and now he finally decides to come out. Strange children I have."

"Are you insulting me?" Clary gasped.

"That wouldn't be very difficult to do, Clarissa," intoned Jocelyn.

"MOTHER!" screamed Clary, tears falling uncontrollably down her face. "How could you betray me like this?"

"Simple," said Jocelyn. "I prefer your brothers."

"Yes, very strange indeed," Valentine muttered, and walked out of the room in a very creepy fashion.

"I see where Sebastian gets his Creeper Genes from," murmured Jace. "Although it doesn't explain Raphael's."

"I'm _back_," exclaimed Magnus as he walked into the room, wearing a new shirt.

"You left?" questioned Jocelyn as she examined her nails in a bored fashion.

Alec muttered, "I noticed..." from his place on the couch.

"Of course YOU would," sighed Luke. "Just like _I_ notice when Valentine leaves." Everyone looked at him weirdly, so he quickly said, "I said nothing."

"Oh my God, Isabelle, your hair is absolutely gorgeous! What products do you use?" Jocelyn asked, moving awkwardly close and stroking Isabelle's black locks.

Isabelle giggled, "You have nice hair too, for an old lady."

"Thanks," Jocelyn breathed, putting her hand on Isabelle's cheek in an extremely weird way for everyone watching. Including a certain Clary.

"MOTHER! ARE YOU _HITTING_ ON ISABELLE?" Clary exclaimed, flailing her arms about to emphasize her point.

"Yes," Jocelyn said shamelessly.

Isabelle smiled and laughed girlishly while Alec gaped at his _leetle seester. _"Wow, Izzy, I didn't know you swung that way."

"That means our parents have two homosexual children," noted Isabelle. "At least we know Max isn't-"

Suddenly, Max burst into the room. "Family, I'm HEEEEERE!"

But he didn't look like normal Max. He looked about eighteen years old or so (creepy growth spurt?) and... strikingly like Logan Lerman. And what was with the stereotypical gay-boy inflection in his words? WTF?

"HOLY HELL IN A HAND BASKET!" yelled Jace. "What HAPPENED to you?"

"What I'd like to know is, WHY ARE ALL THE DEAD PEOPLE COMING BACK TO LIFE?" Magnus boomed.

Sebastian ran in abruptly, and everyone noticed that he was NAKED. He gestured in confusion at Max. "Hey, how are you even fucking ALIVE? I killed you, damn it!"

Max covered his eyes dramatically. "My EYES! My innocent, nine-year-old EYES have been CORRUPTED by your NUDITY!"

"AHHHHH SEBASTIAN, GET BACCK IN HERE I DON'T HOW TO USE THIS THING AND WHERE IS THE KEY TO THE HANDCUFFS?" everyone heard Raphael yell from the next room.

"HANG ON! We'll talk later, punk," Sebastian said to Max, Doing the 'I'm watching you' motion.

"Oh my GAWD!" Max said, affronted, putting his hands on his hips. "What is UP with that CREEPER?"

"Max, please just explain to us why you look like Logan Lerman," Alec said, gripping his little brother by the shoulders.

"GAWD!" announced Max, rolling his eyes slightly and whining, "Why are you PEOPLE always TRESPASSING on my LIIIIFE?"

"I guess there is no straight Lightwood kid after all," said Magnus offhandedly.

"So true, my friend," said Jace, shaking his head.

"WHAT are you SAYING?" Max said, accusingly turning to his idol, Jace. "To THINK that I actually LOOKED up to YOU and now you MAKE FUN of ME and call me GAY?"

"No," said Jace quickly, "that was Magnus. Remember?" He flashed a charming smile at the Logan Lerman-look-alike, not wanting to change the hero-worship thing he had going on with Max.

"Oh yeah!" said Max, saying the exact same thing to Magnus. "To THINK that I actually LOOKED up to YOU and now you MAKE FUN of ME and call me GAY?"

"Since when do you look up to me?" wondered Magnus.

"STOP IT!" insisted Max, dancing slightly in place (or so it seemed) out of frustration.

He looked at Alec, apparently deciding something, before saying bluntly, "You look FAT. Have you gained WEIGHT? A LOT of WEIGHT?"

"Max, sweetie, GO TO YOUR ROOM AND SHUT UP!" bellowed Alec, having another mood swing.

Max wailed, crying furiously. "GAWD, why won't you PEOPLE just LEAVE ME ALONE?" And then he raced out of the room.

"That was freakish," said Jace.

"Totally. Hey, does anyone have any mind bleach on them? I need to erase the Sebastian thing out of my mind." Clary said, making an odd gesture towards the room the current threesome was occupying.

"Shut up, bitch," Jace sighed, since it hadn't been said to her in awhile.

Suddenly, Maia appeared out of thin air, looking angry. "I take offence to that comment!" she said then disappeared again as suddenly as she came.

"Ha ha, female dog, I get it," Alec said sarcastically.

"Well that was odd and unexpected," said Magnus.

The moaning coming from the lovers in the next room was starting to get louder and louder, making everyone uncomfortable. Next, they heard a banging sound against the door and it burst open, the threesome falling out with it.

"AAAAAAAAAGH!" everyone yelled covering their eyes.

And somewhere in the world, two very demented teenage girls named Carrie and Maddie laughed cruelly...

For they were writing this tale.

_Fin._


	3. Even More Awkward News!

OMG, you would not believe what happened when we were typing this. here look, its so weird.

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isn't it weird? anyone that can tell us what it means will get a cookie and a hug from Magnus and Alec.

* * *

About a month has passed for our little group. But, they were all on edge, for some reason. Simon was acting bulimic lately, as he was constantly vomiting. That worried Sebastian and Raphael. Was it morning sickness? That thought struck Alec, who was obviously going through it himself, but at the same time, he wondered HOW IN HELL another man (besides himself) could ever get pregnant. And why would it be Simon? Still... it worried him.

Other than that, everyone else was on edge because _Clary_ was seen with Meliorn _way _too much lately. And, to make matters worse, she was acting bulimic as well. "Is everyone pregnant now?" asked Jace.

"I honestly do not know," responded Magnus. "Then again, I seem to have gotten my _boyfriend_ pregnant... Well, are _you_ pregnant, Jace? Because if you weren't, then everyone wouldn't be pregnant."

"Holy hell in a hand basket, no!" exclaimed Jace angrily.

"I'm not pregnant," Clary complained. After that, she bolted out of the room, holding her mouth, and into the bathroom.

"You sure about that one, ginger?" Raphael called after her. "I wouldn't be so sure about that if I were you!"

Jace contemplated that, and brushed his own hair back off his forehead. "Hmm. I don't _think _she's pregnant, since I blatantly refused to have sex with her whenever she asked, the creeper... Unless, of course, she cheated on me. With someone annoying. Like a fairy."

Meliorn coughed suspiciously, but everyone ignored it, like they always did.

"Oh lord, if she's really preggers, then I'm gonna be an uncle," Sebastian groaned.

Simon turned towards his first lover and said, "You would be one of those creepy uncles."

"That pushes you into a closet to have a 'talk' and fondles you," Raphael said, as if he had experience with that sort of situation.

"How would you know about that?" Luke asked skeptically.

"Um..." stammered Raphael. "No reason?"

"I know why," Simon offered. "It's because Sebastian is _really_ fond of role-playing, especially when it comes to forbidden familial romances."

"Thank you for the UNECESSARY mental image! We all needed that mental image of you two in a closet," stated Isabelle sarcastically, even though, she liked that image.

"Seriously!" insisted Simon. "I can't tell you the number of times I've been 'raped' by 'Uncle' Sebastian."

"TMI, DUDE, TMI!" everyone yelled desperately.

"I'm being honest, here!" exclaimed Simon, suddenly bursting into tears.

Sebastian and Raphael gasped and held Simon close to them. "HOW DARE YOU MAKE OUR LOVER CRY, YOU FUCKING COMMIES!" they both yelled at the same time.

"Who the hell are you calling communist?" shot back Alec with excessive fire.

"YOU, COMMIE!" Sebastian yelled.

"YEAH, WELL, AT LEAST I'M NOT AN UGLY ASS-HOLE LIKE YOU," Alec snarled, before realizing what he was doing and hiding his face in Magnus's chest, embarrassed.

"YOU'RE SUCH A FUCKING GIRL!" Sebastian yelled at Alec. "Hey," Magnus began, his anger rising.

Out of the blue, something dark and dangerous seemed to come over Magnus, and he looked like he was growing in height as he said darkly, "If you _ever_ insult my Alec again, pretty boy, I'll make sure it's the _last thing you ever fucking do_."

"Really now," drawled the evil youth, "I'd like to see you TRY!"

"Is that a challenge?" Magnus asked him, a sort of icy fury in his words.

"Maybe it is," Sebastian started, but he was cut off by a pair of hands around his waist.

"Sebastian," Simon whispered in his ear, "don't be a bad boy."

"But _Simon_..." whined Sebastian, sounding a lot like a five-year-old nagging his mother.

"No buts," Simon said flatly, but then leaned his head on Sebastian's shoulder, breathing onto his neck. "If you are a bad boy, then I won't cooperate and we can't RP _Queer as Folk_ tonight."

"YOU WERE DOING _QUEER AS FOLK_ ROLE PLAY WITHOUT ME?" Raphael questioned, hurt evident in his dark eyes.

"Oh, _fuck_," moaned Sebastian, face palming. "How am I going to get out of this one?"

"I can hear every damn word you're saying, _chico_," Raphael said fiercely.

Simon looked around, panicked, for a few seconds before deciding to tell the truth. "Well, Raphael, the truth is that... Since we love and watch the Brit version of _QAF_, we really wanted to act out the bit between Stuart and Nathan by ourselves. And there are only two of them..." His eyes welled with tears, which tugged at Raphael's heartstrings.

"Oh... Simon..." he whispered, pulling the other vampire boy into a bear hug. "It's okay, my little vampire lover," he murmured. "I'll let you do this without me tonight..."

"YES!" exclaimed Sebastian.

But Raphael wasn't happy at being cut off, and so glared at his second lover. "AS LONG AS you come to _my_ room right after so we can act out _Brokeback Mountain."_

"Wait a second," said Jocelyn. "You're acting out _Queer as Folk_? Isn't that the show where that 29-year-old man Stuart hooked up with the 15-year-old boy, Nathan?"

"Yep!" chirped Simon and Sebastian.

"And you role-play that?" questioned Valentine.

"Yep!" chirped Simon and Sebastian.

"Who acts as who?" wondered Luke.

Jace snorted. "Isn't it obvious, Luke?" He rolled his golden eyes.

"Yeah," said Clary, clueless. "Simon is a total Stuart character."

"That's not what I meant," said Jace.

Sebastian interrupted him. "_I_ am Stuart, since _I_ am _always_ on top. No matter what."

Everyone else choked for a couple seconds.

Then Meliorn walked in and broke the awkward silence. "So... hi."

"Who the hell are you?" Sebastian asked, really not caring.

"Your mother," stated Meliorn flatly.

"No," Sebastian said, "my _mother_ is right here."

"Whatever," Meliorn growled.

"Hey, Meliorn, how are you today?" Clary asked in her nasally voice.

"Fine," he said.

Clary then began to bat her eyelashes in a, what she believed, alluring way at Meliorn.

"Are you ok?" asked Alec, "Are you having a seizure or something?"

"Oh Alec," the strange ginger said, lightly hitting him on the leg, "I'm perfectly fine!" After that, she ran out of the room, again, and into the bathroom.

"I think she's too dumb to use a pregnancy test." Jocelyn stated indifferently.

"I'm surprised she even knew how to have sex. She probably doesn't even know how to open the condom package, let alone where to put it." Jace sighed, thinking back to all the times the ginger tried, and failed, into goading him into sex.

"Does she even know what a condom is?" Raphael asked.

"Probably not if she's pregnant," Simon stated.

"Who was the ass-hole that fucked her anyway?" Sebastian asked.

"Oh, all this Clary-bashing is making me giddy!" Magnus said, while Meliorn look slightly uncomfortable at Sebastian's question.

"Hold up," noticed Valentine, narrowing his black eyes at the unfortunate fairy-knight, Meliorn, AKA the one with the stupid name and unhealthy obsession with leaves. "Why do you look guilty?"

"No reason!" Meliorn shrieked, jumping.

"You got Clary preggers!" accused Simon.

"You got _my daughter_ pregnant?" screamed Valentine and Jocelyn.

"Ah... umm... bye" Meliorn said, while he bolted out of room to escape the wrath of the furious, suddenly protective parents.

"Holy crap... that baby has some messed up parents," Jace said.

Suddenly Simon jumped up and ran out of the room and into the bathroom, kicking Clary out in the process. Sebastian and Raphael quickly ran after him.

"WAH!" wailed Clary. "That hurt!"

"Shut up, bitch," Jace sighed.

"Baby? Are you alright?" Sebastian questioned the bespectacled boy.

"DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M ALRIGHT? HUH? DOES IT? I AM PUKING MY STOMACH OUT AND YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO ASK ME THAT! OF COURSE I'M NOT ALRIGHT YOU IMBECILE!" Simon yelled before he puked again.

"Sweetheart, I think you should take a pregnancy test." Raphael said while rubbing circles in his back. Sebastian, however, was sitting in a corner in the fetal position, sulking.

"No," Simon said stubbornly. "I am a _man_, and men can't get pregnant." His eyes darted to a very pregnant man, so he quickly added, "Except Alec."

"Just take it," Sebastian said in a surprisingly soothing voice. How could he act so... _gentle_... around anyone? Especially Simon? What? And when had he come out of his emo corner in the first place?

"Humph, fine... only because you asked nicely." Simon muttered.

Quickly Sebastian and Raphael quickly slammed the door to the bathroom behind them.

"Well, they're not going to be out for a while," Magnus observed.

One pregnancy test later, a very pale Simon came out of the bathroom, Raphael and Sebastian each clutching one of his hands.

"What are the results?" Isabelle asked fearfully.

"Well..." said Simon, biting his lip. He muttered something unintelligible.

"What?" clarified Valentine, taking a swig of his brandy. "Speak up, boy, we can't hear you."

Simon raised his eyes to meet everyone's, and said, "Positive." Everyone took sharp intakes of breath, so Simon plowed on. "Somehow... I'm pregnant."

"AGAIN?" shrieked everyone except Simon. "AAAAAAAAAAGH!"

And somewhere in the world, two very demented teenage girls named Carrie and Maddie laughed cruelly...

For they were writing this tale.

_Fin._


	4. An Ungodly Long Encounter

ok i hope all of you sikos are happy! we started writing thisat 11:10 PM and ended at 2:21 AM! We made it super extera special long just for you! oh and just to claryfy (get it? Clary-fy, get it? get it?) this happends directly after the last ch. now read you imbiciles! and review god damn it! Flames will be killed with extereme inteligence. oh if you are religious, we apologise.

* * *

"How can you be pregnant?" asked Magnus tonelessly. "You're a guy, and not Alec." He looked over Simon critically, from the chic glasses to the annoyingly polished loafers.

"I don't know! My God how many times are you going to ask me that?" Simon whined. "It probably happened the same way _your lover boy_ got preggers!"

"As many times as is necessary," replied Magnus.

"Simon, boy, I just noticed," started Valentine, sipping his brandy, "your fashion sense is clearly lacking."

"It is NOT!" sputtered Simon. "And _why the hell_ are you even talking to me?"

Valentine shrugged. "I am not sure. Anyway, it is."

"Yeah," added Isabelle. "What are you going for, the nerdy-intellectual look?"

"LET'S GIVE SIMON A MAKEOVER!" shouted Clary, for the first time in her life having a good idea.

"For once, you have a decent idea," slurred Valentine, who was obviously buzzed.

"Hmm... I think the edgier look would be good for him," Jace said, more amused at the situation than anything.

Simon was about to have a stroke, looking from one person to the other. They... were all _evaluating _him and _judging_ him. "B-back off," he stuttered, "Or e-else I'll call Sebastian!"

"That's supposed to frighten us?" questioned Magnus.

"I'll tell him to wear his Speedo," Simon said menacingly, a furious glint in his eyes.

Everyone turned to look at a certain dyed-black-haired young creeper, who blinked. "Um, Simon, my lover, I've been here this entire time." He contemplated something for a few seconds, before grinning like the Cheshire Cat. "But if you really want to see my Speedo, I have it on under my leather pants..."

"KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS CREEPER!" Magnus yelled.

But, alas, Magnus was too late to stop Sebastian from literally _ripping off_ his own leather pants and shirt, revealing a bright purple-and-blue Speedo in the downwards pattern of a tornado. Everyone shrieked and covered their eyes (except for Raphael and Simon, of course, who WANTED to see it) but sadly, it was too late.

"AHHH, SIMON, MAKE HIM PUT HIS PANTS ON!" Jace yelled frantically. He definitely did not want to see his creepy adopted brother in nothing but a Speedo.

Clary looked on with a clueless look on her face. "I didn't know they made that kind of Speedo. Jace, you should get one!" she chirped.

Jace coughed for a few seconds, so much so that Clary assumed he was choking and pounded him fiercely on the back for a while. Once he recovered the use of his voice, he screamed in her face, "GET OFF ME, BITCH!" He fumed for another few moments, and then added, "And why would YOU care what I wear as a swimsuit? Didn't you hook up with that... that... _elf_?"

"I AM NOT AN ELF!" shrieked Meliorn, but no one bothered to listen.

"GOD, WOULD YOU ALL SHUT UP ABOUT SPEEDOS?" a certain father of our favorite creeper yelled uncharacteristically.

"Great," Sebastian groaned, "He's rip-roaring drunk now."

"SHUT UP, YOU UNGRATEFULL CREEPER! AND PUT SOME PANTS ON! YOU ARE A JONATHAN UNIT, THEREFORE YOU MUST BE RESPECTFUL AND PRESENTABLE AT ALL TIMES!" the drunken Valentine boomed.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS A JONATHAN UNIT?" Sebastian bellowed back.

"YOU ARE! AND," he faltered for a moment, forgetting who his other male child was for a moment. Looking around, he flapped an arm crazily towards Alec, yelling "AND SO HIS HE!"

Alec was baffled, and gestured wildly at his own chest. "_Me?"_

"Yes, you, Jonathan Number Two," Valentine said dismissively.

"But that doesn't make any sense," said Alec. "I'm not a Jonathan at all."

"Yes, you are, my ungrateful adopted son!"

Jace's brow furrowed. "Um... Father... you're talking to Alec."

"NO I AM NOT... oh..." He deflated slightly, and then recovered. "AS I SAID, AND HE IS!" He gestured to Jace.

"Whatever," everyone else muttered. Valentine seemed pleased with himself for whatever reason.

"ANYWAY," Isabelle said to gain everyone's attention, "What are we going to do with THIS TOTAL FASHION DISASTER?" she said, waving in Simons general direction.

"How about nothing?" Simon said fearfully, attempting a fake laugh, which dissolved into tears. "WAAAAH!"

Simon ran into Raphael's chest, sobbing loudly. Suddenly Raphael and Sebastian's pupils dilated and they looked up menacingly.

"HOW DARE YOU MAKE OUR LITTLE SIMMYKINS CRY! FOR THAT YOU SHALL ALL PAY WITH YOUR REMAINING INNOCENCE!" they both yelled in unison. Picking up Simon (bridal style) Raphael and Sebastian ran out of the room.

"Oh, good lord," Alec complained.

Sebastian ran back in the room, grabbing his previous attire, and paused. "WITH YOUR REMAINING INNOCENCE!" he yelled and, making the 'I'm-watching-you' gesture, ran out of the room, again.

After a few shocked-into-silence minutes, Raphael edged into the room, clearing his throat loudly. "Ehem. I would like to present the new and improved Simon Lewis to you all."

"Oh, _no_..." whined Isabelle, and for good reason. When Simon walked in, Alec even fainted. What they all saw was just plain scary.

Simon was wearing a dress. But, not just _any dress._ This was a full out _leather _hookers outfit, with thigh high go-go boots and fishnet stockings. The dress also had a train of white leather ruffles.

"WHAT THE FUCKING HELL DID YOU DO TO SIMON?" exclaimed Valentine. "HE WAS FUCKING PERFECT AND YOU HAD TO GO AND FUCKING _RUIN_ HIM! By the damn ANGEL, at least he's still wearing those SEXY-ASS glasses!"

Luke looked at Valentine, then, sorrow evident on his face. He teared up, sniffling, "But Valley, I thought you loved me. That's what you said last night."

Valentine turned and looked at Luke, guilt and apology in his eyes, "Lulu, I didn't mean it! I-"

"SHUT UP! I'M NOT GOING TO HEAR ANYMORE OF YOUR LIES! YOU BASTARD!" Luke yelled, tears welling up in his eyes. Before he left, the tall, super sexy (in Valentine's opinion) werewolf walked right up to Valentine and backhanded him so hard the latter fell backwards on the floor.

Simon was still standing awkwardly in the doorway in all his pregnant, I'm-in-a-dress glory. "Um..." he said, summing up the feelings of practically everyone else. "Am I supposed to be confused? And since when are my glasses _sexy-ass_?" He added air-quotes to the "sexy-ass" part, and then blushed.

"Since when are they not?" Sebastian purred into Simon's ear while running his hand down his back.

That made Simon giggle like a naughty little schoolgirl. "Oh, Sebastian, you make me feel so... _horny_." That made everyone choke up and gag, and Jace even went so far as to pretend to vomit.

"What about _me,_ Simmy-kinz? Do I make you feel... _horny?_" Raphael purred into Simons other ear, nipping at it playfully and wrapping his arms around the smaller boy's waist.

Simon turned to face his other lover, and somehow confidently licked Raphael's cheek, whispering against his ear, "Does that answer your question?"

Raphael smirked arrogantly in Sebastian's direction.

Out of the blue, Sebastian forcefully grabbed Simon and began making out with him then and there, peeling off Simon's hooker dress in front of everyone.

"PUT THAT BACK ON, DAMN IT!" exclaimed Jace. "Some of us don't want to see that."

"Some of us do," moaned Valentine, seeming very "happy".

"YOU'RE WITH LUKE FOR CHRIST SAKE! AND GIVE HIM BACK!" Raphael screamed, grabbing Simon and wrenching him from Sebastian's grasp.

Simon jumped a few paces away, yanking a towel from nowhere and wrapping it around himself. "Guys, I keep having to tell you BOTH this! There's enough of me to go around! Now SHARE!"

"BUT I DON'T WANT TO SHARE YOU WITH _HIM_!" they both screamed incredulously, pointing at the other simultaneously.

Simon raised his nose in the air and crossed his arms. "Fine, then, neither of you can have me. Who says I need lovers in the first place?"

"NOOOO, Simon, NOOOOOO!" they both shrieked, dropping down on their knees and latching onto the boy's legs. "PLEASE, TAKE US BACK! WE'LL SHARE! WE PROMISE!"

Simon patted both their heads. "That's better."

Everyone was starring on in morbid fascination. Magnus finally broke the awkward silence that only he felt. "Wow, he has you two whipped."

"Yeah. Simon is a playboy," noted Jocelyn. "Who knew the kid had it in him?"

"What's a playboy?" questioned Clary, looking stupidly at her mother.

Jocelyn contemplated it for a moment. "Hmm. How do I describe it in terms you'll understand...?"

"PARABLE TIME!" screamed Clary eagerly.

Jocelyn smiled at her daughter, and said, "Once there was a gigantic bird named Big Bird." Clary's eyes lit up and she clapped, so Jocelyn moved on. "And Big Bird had lots of very good friends. We can call his friends his 'special friends'. Every day, Big Bird and his special friends would talk to each other like you just saw Simon and Sebastian and Raphael doing... And apparently, his special friends Elmo and the Count both loved him. And he loved them too. He loved more than one person at a time, and that made Big Bird a playboy. Do you get it?"

"I think so," said Clary.

Jocelyn said quickly, "Actually, no." At Valentine's look of terror, which spoke for itself, saying _'That thing came from my loins?',_ Jocelyn contemplated it for a few seconds. "Wait, wait, she's definitely yours. I didn't start sleeping with Luke until she was eight."

Valentine turned, scandalized, to Luke, who was mysteriously back in the room. "You hooked up with my ex-wife awhile ago _without telling me?"_

"That was when you were cheating on_ me_ with _Hodge,_ you ass!" Luke stated venomously.

"True," admitting Valentine, before looking at Luke with puppy-dog eyes. "I'm sorry, Lulu. Can we make up?"

Luke smiled evilly, and said in a low voice, "I don't know about making up, but we can totally make out." And then they _were_ making out, much to the horror of Valentine's children, including his adopted son.

"Wait!" Isabelle shrieked, drawing the attention of the two lip-locked men. "So, you were cheating on two people at the same time?"

"Yes," they said unapologetically. "You have a problem with that?"

"No, carry on," said Isabelle, waggling her eyebrows seductively at Jocelyn.

Jocelyn responded by moving closer to Isabelle and stroking her cheek and moving in and whispering in her ear sexily.

Isabelle giggled at something, and then was suddenly kissing Jocelyn. That meant that Simon and Raphael and Sebastian were making out, Valentine and Luke were making out, and Jocelyn and Isabelle were making out. Alec looked at Magnus, both shrugged, and then _they_ also joined the kissing orgy of sorts. Jace glanced around him, and noticed that only he, Meliorn, and Clary weren't being all iffy and romantic. "Jesus," he said. "Is _everyone_ hooking up now?"

"WHY YES THEY ARE!" a booming voice sounded from nowhere, startling all of the couplings. Suddenly, a bright light filled the room, making everyone shield their eyes. Then it was gone, and to girls stood in its place.

One was noticeably shorter than the other, and was standing so self-importantly that she could have outshone Jace. Her head was covered in a crazy, light brown, wavy mane, but she somehow worked it. There was an arrogant smirk on her face, and she said to the golden-eyed lad who had asked the question, "To answer your question, although my mother just did now, yes."

"Who are you?" he asked.

The girl grinned humongously and, spreading her arms wide, said, "I... am Jesus. Jesus Christ, Superstar." She flicked a business card at his head, and he caught it. "Here's my card. Ah yes, I am the one and only Jesus Christ, savior of all your SORRY hides, thank you very much!"

"Hold on," said Isabelle, detaching herself from Jocelyn and looking at the girl who claimed she was Jesus skeptically. "Not to be rude or anything, Your... Majesty... but wasn't Jesus, you know, male?"

Jesus-the-girl snorted and rolled her eyes. "That's what they _want_ you to think."

"Wait," Sebastian questioned, not removing himself from his Simmy-kinz. "You said that she," he gestured to the other girl, who was examining her nails boredly, "is your mother? So does that make her-"

"YES, YES, I AM GOD, ME-DAMNIT! Myself, you're slow!" the other brunette answered. She was _extremely_ tall with long legs. Her hair was considerably darker than 'Jesus'' and was _painfully_ straight. She had dark blue eyes as well as opposed to Jesus' gray, making her look like the complete polar opposite of self-proclaimed 'Jesus'.

Everyone then noticed the bright gold halo that surrounded Jesus' head (how had they missed it?) and the fact that she was twirling a pair of sunglasses around her index finger. "What's with the sunglasses?" asked Simon.

"Simple," smirked Jesus. "They throw off the paparazzi."

"What paparazzi?" wondered Alec.

Jesus pointed out a window. "That paparazzi."

They all looked over to the window, and dozens of people with cameras were pressed against it, trying futilely to get in. "Yeah," said Jesus conversationally, still twirling her sunglasses, "they follow me _everywhere_. It's quite obnoxious." She looked around, and said, "Y'know, they'll be in this room in about seven seconds." Exactly seven seconds later, a swarm of the paparazzi crowded in, surrounding Jesus and asking questions. She shouted over the noise, "Watch this!"

Jesus put her sunglasses on, and all the paparazzi stopped moving. "Where'd she go?" one asked confusedly.

Everyone gaped at the utter stupidity of the paparazzi, and Jesus grinned in a self-satisfied way, flashing a thumbs-up at Jace.

"Oh well," said another paparazzi member. "I guess Jesus left."

They all sighed, and all the paparazzi left of their own accord.

"Okay, that was just freakish," Alec said, bringing the attention of the taller brunette to him.

"Oh, Alec! How are you? I hope your pregnancy isn't too draining," God said with an impish, knowing smirk.

Magnus stepped forward and bluntly asked, "You know how this happened?"

God and Jesus shared an amused look and chuckled. "Why yes, of course we do!" God began. "For 'twas us that made it so!" she giggled.

Jesus said, not removing her sunglasses in case the paparazzi came back, "We were just sitting up there in heaven, all bored, watching _Queer as Folk_ and _Brokeback Mountain_ and such- they're quite entertaining- when I had the magnificent idea to meddle in some mortals' lives! And you all are the lucky mortals!" She winked at Jace. "Especially you, handsome."

Jace was slightly taken aback. "Wait. Jesus Christ thinks I'm attractive?" The thought seemed to please him. "Awesome."

"What do you mean bored?" Simon asked. "You made it so Alec and I-"

"And Luke," God interrupted.

"-and Luke get pregnant OUT OF SHEER BOREDOM?" he finished, while the floundering Luke and Valentine were unable to make any noise at all.

"Yep," Jesus shrugged. "I was getting tired of the reruns of my favorite gay shows."

"H-how?" asked Raphael, out of curiosity.

"Well, we sent the Holy Spirit to possess you guys and make it so you could get pregnant _and_ give your lovers the ability to get you pregnant!" God chirped.

Jesus nodded enthusiastically. "Oh, and that ginger idiot- Clary or something? - got preggers of her own accord. We had nothing to do with it. It was _all_ Meliorn's freaky elf-sperm."

"I AM NOT AN ELF!" he screamed.

Jesus turned to him with icy fury in her eyes. "Are you aware that you just mouthed off to the only daughter of God? HAVE YOU NO SHAME? HAVE YOU NO RESPECT FOR YOUR ELDERS?" she thundered.

"Eep," was all Meliorn said before he soiled himself and ran out of the room with as much dignity as a person whom just soiled themselves, in front of God and Jesus at the same time, can have.

"I've got to hand it to you," said Sebastian, sounding mildly impressed. "That was badass, Jesus."

"Why, thank you!" Jesus said, obviously flattered.

"Hey, umm... God?" Raphael asked the intimidating woman.

"What is it?" she asked, examining her nails again.

"Is there any way to cure that ginger of her stupidity?"

"To tell you the truth, there's nothing I can do about that," she sighed."I've already looked into it and her stupidity is incurable, even by me."

"Well, that's too freaking bad," muttered Simon. "She's obnoxious."

"Oh, we know," assured Jesus. "We've been watching you guys for awhile now." She smiled cheekily at Jace. "And again I say, especially you."

"Oh just say it already!" God sighed, looking pointedly at her daughter. "Just say 'OMG, Jace you are like the coolest and most handsome guy I have ever met will you go on a date with me you sexy, sexy man!' Myself, you beat around the bush," God stated, mimicking Jesus' voice perfectly.

Jesus smacked her mother playfully. "I would say, 'God', but that would just be addressing you by name!" The two laughed good-naturedly, and Jesus turned to Jace. "Now. I wouldn't exactly put it in the undignified words my mother used, but she _is_ right. What do you say?"

"Sure," Jace said without hesitation.

"Well now, you sure can mimic voices pretty well," Jocelyn said, moving awkwardly close to the tall brunette.

"Why thank you! I have had since the beginning of time to perfect it," she said, flipping her hair in Jocelyn's face, stopping her approach.

Jesus suddenly grew protective of her own mother, and said to Jocelyn, "Whoa there, Jethro, back it up! Stay away from my mother, you hear me?" Then, once Jocelyn had backed away a safe distance, Jesus said to her, "You know what? Amen, amen, I say to you- that parable you told your idiot daughter was pretty impressive. I _would_ know about parables." She smiled arrogantly again, before continuing, "Anyway, I know how hard it is to gauge the intellect of your victims- er, _listeners_- and you did remarkably well with that ginger." Jesus clapped Jocelyn's shoulder with a hearty, "Well done," and went over to talk to Jace.

"By the way," Valentine begain. "Is there anyway that _that_," gesturing towards his ginger child, who was playing with legos in the corner,"is not my daughter?"

"Well, Valley, sorry to say this, but that monstrosity is yours, it did come from your loins." Jesus stated with obvious distaste.

Amiable chatter filled the air and for a while, all was calm. But, all good things must come to an end. Out of nowhere, they all heard moans and various other noises coming from Max's room. Everyone stopped and listened.

"I hope that isn't what I hope it is," Alec said moving into the hallway, with everyone following. "He's only nine, after all."

Soon they were a standing in front of Maxes room. Alec knocked on the door, but the noises did not cease. Sebastian, getting impatient, kicked in the door and they were bombarded with the sight of a half-naked Logan Lerman pinning the also half-naked Max to a bed, fiercely making out with each other.

"AHHHHHHH," everyone yelled in horror.

And somewhere in the world, two very demented teenage girls named  
Carrie and Maddie laughed cruelly...

For they were writing this tale.

_Fin._


	5. The Adorableness That Is Malec!

_**A/N MALEC FLUFF! XD**_

* * *

Alec sighed as he laid on his bed in the Institute look-a-like, thinking about his current, very large, predicament. He was pregnant thanks to the meddling nature of God and her daughter, Jesus, and their great friend, The Holy Spirit. Why had they chosen him?

Magnus saw Alec's frown and tried to comfort him. "Alec," Magnus said while lying down next to the other boy and nuzzling his neck, "you need to relax. What's happened happened. Stop worrying or else I'll make you relax."

"And, what exactly do you mean by that?" Alec grinned, looking at the floor. Since his big revelation that he was pregnant, he was like a monkey in heat. Which was uncommon for Alec, at least.

"Exactly what I said! And I have qualms about it too!" the glittery warlock said, wrapping his arms around Alec's waist.

"Stop it!" Alec said, batting him away. Magnus backed away, hurt evident in his eyes. "Oh, Magnus! I'M SO SORRY! I'M A TERRIBBLE PERSON!" Alec cried, securing his arms around Magnus's neck, seeing the effect of his words.

"No, Alec- you didn't do anything wrong!" Magnus insisted, patting Alec's back. "I realize I'm just acting a little too kinky for your taste right now."

"THAT'S NOT IT AT ALL!" Alec yelled. "Since when are you not kinky, Mag… nus," Alec finished, smiling and batting his eye lashes up at Magnus.

Magnus grinned seductively. "You know you love this, Alec..." he murmured, kissing Alec's jaw line. Alec blushed a bright scarlet.

"W-wait!" Alec cried still bright red, "I-I'm having s-second thoughts!" he stuttered.

This made Magnus sigh and back away. "You know Blue; you can be quite a tease when you're having mood swings."

"What did you just call me?" Alec asked, feeling 'confuzzled' as the kids those days called it.

"Blue," Magnus said as if it were obvious.

"Why?"

"Because your eyes are the most beautiful shade of blue I have ever seen. They're more beautiful than sapphires and diamonds."

Alec was touched, and his gorgeous eyes welled with tears of joy. "Oh, Magnus... That was so sweet of you. I love it when you're sweet." After a brief pause, he added, "You're sexy when you're sweet."

"Really now?" Magnus clarified.

"Mmm-hmm. Definitely," assured Alec.

"Well then, beautiful, can you tell me how _sexy_?" Magnus whispered in Alec's ear, running a hand up his thigh.

"Sexier than the sexiest thing you can think of," Alec said, shivering at the contact.

"Sexier than you? I don't think that's possible." Magnus said moving on top of Alec, his hand continuing their exploration.

Alec giggled. "Magnus, Magnus, Magnus... You're so hilarious in a really sexy way."

"Is that your word of the day or something, Alec?" Magnus grinned, also adding his fingers snaking their way around Alec's shoulders.

"It might be. Sex, sexiest, sexy, sexier, they all count." he said, leaning to kiss his baby daddy. But, they didn't get that far. Why? BECAUSE OF A CERTAIN OBNOXIOUS GINGER THING!

Clary burst through the door, without the courtesy of knocking, and screeched, "HAVE YOU SEEN MELIORN ANYWHERE? Le gasp! Are you two having _sex_?"

"We might have been _getting ready to_..." snapped Alec, put immediately in a sour mood. "And did you seriously just say 'le gasp'? How pathetic is that?"

"And why are you looking for that elf?" wondered Magnus. "No, stupid question. Why would we know where that elf is?"

"I AM NOT AN ELF!" shrieked Meliorn, running into the room and seeing Magnus on top of Alec and Clary watching and everything. "Wait. What's going on? Are you two gay or something?"

"Where the hell have you been?" Alec asked. "Magnus has been _blindingly _gay from the start and Jesus clearly said that _Magnus_ got _me pregnant_," he said as if talking to a Clary.

"_Ohhhhh_," said Meliorn. "Everything makes so much more sense now!" In truth, Meliorn practically _was_ a Clary. He was almost as stupid as one, anyway, even though he was reasonably... smarter... and more corrupt... about certain matters... Hey, someone had to teach Clary how to get pregnant. Meliorn was like a fifth-grade boy: not very smart, somewhat oblivious about the obvious, and possessing a particularly dirty mind.

Magnus's patience was extremely thin at the moment, from dealing with a hormonal Alec, and his natural dislike of idiots was not helping. It was bad enough that the mood was _completely _ruined, but they insisted on staying. "If you don't mind, but could you please GET THE FUCK OUT, seeing as we are kind of having a _private_ moment right now!"

Meliorn and Clary were taken aback, and each pointed at Magnus before calmly saying, "You said a very naughty word."

"Yes I did, out of great frustration. Now get the hell out before I turn you into piles of shit!" he threatened.

"Le gasp! You said _two_ naughty words that time!" the two wonder-idiots said.

"You need to stop using such raunchy language, Mr. Sparkles." Meliorn said, nodding matter-of-factly.

"UUUUGH!" Magnus shouted, getting off Alec and standing up, his scary-dark-warlock side returning immediately.

"No, Magnus, don't!" squeaked Alec. "If you smite them to dust right now, you'll also kill their unborn child." He started crying. "And that's just cruel!" he sobbed.

"I'm not going to smite them into dust, yet. I am simply petrifying them and kicking them the hell out!" he said. Then with a mutter of some words, the wonder-idiots pulled a Neville Longbottom and fell to the floor. Magnus proceeded to banish them out of the room.

Once Magnus was safely back inside the room, he took a great leap, landing on top of Alec. "Now, where were we, my lovely blue eyed Alec?"

Alec said, "You're dripping with sexiness again."

"I could say the same about you…" Magnus sighed, trailing kisses along Alec's neck.

"I-I'm not in the mood Magnus!" Alec suddenly cried, pushing Magnus off him. "I'm hungry!"

With that, Magnus raised a brow. "What are you craving now?" he asked with trepidation. Alec's cravings were out there and almost inedible. For example, cottage cheese, pickles, chocolate syrup and mushrooms.

Alec took a deep breath, and said, "Well... I want chocolate-covered asparagus with maple syrup and salt to dip it in and pickle-flavored Pringles and hot sauce for those and I want celery smothered in gravy and I really, _really_ want to watch America's Next Top Model." He said that all in one breath, before folding his hands and smiling expectantly at Magnus.

"Are you sure, lovely? All of that really doesn't sound healthy," Magnus said.

Alec's magnificent eyes began to water and fill with tears. "You- you BASTARD!" he screeched. "YOU'RE STEALING FOOD FROM A BABY'S MOUTH! _YOUR_ BABY'S MOUTH! HOW CAN YOU BE SO CRUEL? OH, I HATE YOU! STUPID STUPID STUPID!" Alec yelled as he hit Magnus's chest with his fists.

Magnus groaned, "Ow, Alec, you're hurting me."

Alec jumped back in surprise, looking at Magnus with wide, fearful eyes as if he wasn't aware of what had just happened. He burst into tears (again) and wailed, "I'M SO, SO, SO, SO _SORRY_, Magnus!_ Can you ever forgive me?"_

"Yes Alec," Magnus said, grabbing the boy's wrists gently. "I will always forgive you, Blue." He leaned in and placed a gentle, chaste kiss on Alec's lips.

Once Magnus pulled away, Alec said flatly, "You know, I'm still hungry. I still want everything I listed _and_ I'm hungry for watching Crazy Tyra."

"Whatever you say, Blue. Whatever you say," Magnus sighed. "I'll get right on that, Sugar-Lips."

Alec sputtered for a moment, "W-what d-did you call me?"

"I called you Sugar-Lips," Magnus said unabashedly, blinking at Alec and thus spraying the lad with glitter. "Why? Do you not like it?"

"N-no, it's f-fine. My food?"

"Ahh, yes! I will get right on that, _master_. For I am your humble, fabulously flamboyant and sexy manservant!" Magnus chirped and bowed before Alec.

Alec giggled like a small girl child, and just then, a most angry female vampire burst in. "What the _hell_ do you think you're _fucking doing_, Magnus Bane?" she demanded.

"Magnus," said Alec, "who is this whore and why is she looking at you like that?"

"Oh, it's _you._ Don't worry, Alec. She's my ex-girlfriend. Whore, meet my _boyfriend,_ Alec," Magnus deadpanned.

"What?" the whore screeched.

"_Ex-girlfriend?"_ Alec screeched at the same exact time.

"Yes, I was in denial! But being with that _whore_ is what made me realize that I like pretty blue eyed _male_ boys like you!" Magnus said.

Alec thought about that for a moment, "So basically, that whore turned you gay?"

"Yep," Magnus said, turning a steely gaze to that whore in front of him. "Now, I suggest you leave."

"Ex_cuse_ me?" she asked incredulously. "I am not going to leave until I am best friends with your boyfriend!"

"That doesn't make any sense," observed Alec. "And besides, I'm not friends with whores."

But that vampire whore was already grinning like a jack-in-the-box at the unfortunate, young, pregnant man and stuck out her hand, saying, "I'm Camille. I hooked up with Magnus a hundred and forty five years ago."

Alec sent a shocked look at Magnus, but turned back to the whore and said, "I'm Alec. I'm in love with Magnus, and I have been for a while. Not as long as you've been alive, _you whore_, but long enough." He shared a smile with Magnus and they held hands.

It was then that the whore noticed Alec's baby bump.

"Wow, Magnus. I didn't know you were a chubby chaser," that whore, whose name we refuse to use, said while poking Alec's stomach.

"Cut that out!" exclaimed Alec, catching her wrist and bending it backwards. "And I am sure as hell not chubby! I'm just..." He silently pleaded to his boyfriend for said boyfriend to finish the sentence.

But Magnus seemed incredibly awkward and on-edge around his ex-whore. Well, anyone in that situation _would_ be. Still, he finished, "Alec is pregnant, whore. Don't ask how because it's complicated."

"Wha-what? H-how?"

"DIDN'T I JUST TELL YOU NOT TO ASK HOW? GOD, YOU ARE STILL A DUMBASS!" Magnus boomed, finally losing it.

"I am not!" came the vague voice of God.

"EEP!" that whore shrieked, screaming and running out of the room (and out of Magnus's life, finally) in terror.

Magnus sighed and collapsed onto the bed. "Finally, we're alone and you just want to eat inedible food and watch that bimbo Tyra. Life isn't fair."

"Well, I don't know." Alec began an adorable smile that stretched across his face. "I'm not really hungry anymore for that stuff."

Magnus laughed lowly. "Is that a challenge of sorts?" He tackled Alec once more. Alec laughed helplessly, and then they began making out.

And then Max walked in, wanting to borrow some glitter for whatever reason... and his young eyes were even _more_ corrupted than they already were. The Logan Lerman look-alike screamed, bringing everyone else in.

Everyone else screamed, "AAAAAAAAAAAGH!" once they saw what was going on.

And somewhere in the world, two very demented teenage girls named Carrie and Maddie laughed cruelly...

For they were writing this tale.

_Fin._


	6. Simaphastian Horoscopes

A/N: HELLO PEOPLES! it has been quite a while hasn't it! *Pulls out Spartain shield* Just so you know all that stuff with the horoscope is true... we um... looked it up...

diclaimer: we do not own TMI in any way! If we did Clary would not exsist. also any casses of bloddy noses or demensia are not our problem. they're yours. deal with it. Now i must sleeeeep... enjoy our madness...

* * *

It was an average wintry day in the strange house where everyone lived, and Simon's pregnancy was making him even hornier than usual.

Simon didn't really like being so horny all the time and usually tried to distract his equally horny lovers, though that was an extremely difficult task to do.

In fact, his lovers/boyfriends qualified as horny _themselves._

They were the poster children of horniness.

Hornier than Simon, even.

So today, Simon thought that everything would go exactly the way they had been going for the past couple months. They were humongous role-play and bondage enthusiasts, as Sebastian had highly turned Raphael and Simon onto them. Also, even though Simon's preg-iness was starting to show on his slightly bloated belly, the other two found it extremely appealing and _muy sexy,_ in the wise words of Raphael.

As of yet, everything had started out all right. Simon woke up with to very large bodies mostly on top of him, remembered last night's "adventures", and blushed. He made both come to their senses and get the hell off him. But, when all three sat up in bed, they noticed a very peculiar thing.

There was a desk with a computer sitting on top of it at one of the corners of the room. It was open to a webpage that looked like a horoscope information site.

Sebastian, always interested in matters of the beyond (they led to very interesting sexual situations, in his opinion) leaped out of bed, accidentally elbowing Raphael's eye in the process. However, our dear creeper could not care less and didn't even notice, as he was too preoccupied reading his own horoscope, that of Gemini.

Simon, being the ever-curious one, got out of bed and leaned over his lovers shoulder. Raphael didn't join them for at least a few moments, because he was enjoying the view of Simon in all his nude, pregnant glory.

Raphael let out a contented sigh at Simon as Sebastian clicked the screen for more information regarding Gemini. "By the fucking Angel," Sebastian said in awe at the screen. "How did this damn website know that I love having my fingers licked and sucked on?"

The room was silent for a moment at that extremely awkward statement before Sebastian turned to Simon and asked with a smexy seductive smirk, "Simmy-kinz, would you mind sucking my fingers for me, please?"

"Not at all," purred Simon, running his hand through Sebastian's fine platinum blonde locks, which caused the owner of such tresses to shiver in anticipation. "That is... as long as you do something for _me_ in return, my lovely sex dolphin."

Raphael, feeling neglected and lonely at this bit of affection between his Simon-love and that... that... _Sebastian_, quickly rose to his feet and snuck up behind Simon with a grace that only a vampire possesses. "What does it say about me?" he said against Simon's neck, planting gentle kisses along the boy vampire's collarbone. "I'm a Scorpio."

Looking rather annoyed at the interruption, Sebastian turned back to the monitor, scrolled down to Scorpio, and proceeded to read the information aloud. "It says here that the most sensitive spot for a Scorpio is the genitals. Wow, you're cheap! Someone just has to give you a hand job and you would love 'em for a good long while!" Sebastian said, melting into guffaws at his statement.

Simon saddened and tightened his grip on the back of Sebastian's head, forcing the older boy to look into Simon's dark eyes. "It upsets me when you two are mean to each other. Would you _please_ consider being friends, for my sake?"

Sebastian put his own hand up to Simon's cheek and held it there, slowly sweeping his thumb over Simon's cheekbones. Sebastian murmured, "Of course. Anything that makes you happy makes me happy." Sebastian's other hand moved to the Sagittarius's (Simon's) "special spot", AKA his thighs.

Raphael, feeling left out again, moved a bit more and ran his hands down the small vampire's torso and one going to Simon's other thigh that wasn't being molested by Sebastian. He leaned in more and whispered into Simon's ear, making Simon shudder in excitement, "I am all yours, _bonito."_

Simon exhaled passionately in one staccato breath at the treatment his thighs were getting before coughing slightly and recovering, blinking at Raphael. "What did you just call me?" Raphael grinned, pressing his lips to Simon's for a brief moment. "It's the Spanish word for beautiful, beautiful."

At this, Simon blush a brilliant tomato red, which made him even more alluring to the others. Suddenly, Simon stood up, wrenching himself from his lovers' grasp and sprinting into the bathroom.

"There he goes again," sighed Raphael, shaking his head at the bathroom.

Sebastian nodded vaguely- once he was sure that Simon was okay, his attention became solely focused on the computer screen. Sebastian said in a detached sort of voice, "I'm fucking serious. How does this God-damn horoscope site know that I, a Gemini, simply _adore_ having my fingers sucked?"

"Maybe they stalk you and have footage of all your one night stands or something," Raphael said, not really caring about the outcome might be of that statement.

Sebastian revolved in his seat and just narrowed his eyes at Raphael, remarking flatly, "I dislike you, vampire."

"Likewise, creeper."

"And besides," said Sebastian in an uppity sort of voice, "I haven't had a one-night-stand since I've been with our Simmy-kinz. He's all I need. And want. And cherish..." Raphael practically saw hearts appear in the Nephilim's eyes as said Shadowhunter began to swoon.

As if he needed any more motivation to pass out, Simon exited the bathroom, replacing a toothbrush and toothpaste on the way. "Greetings, my delectable consorts," said Simon cheerfully. "I've just brushed my teeth so Seb, if you want me to give oral sex to your fingers, I'm ready."

Raphael pouted, asking, "What will I do?"

Simon seemed to consider this question critically. "Well, maybe you could, um; I dunno... massage my biceps?"

"That's fine by me, as long as after you're done with him, you get to give me some oral," Raphael said cheekily, grinning like the Cheshire cat. "I'll even let you choose where, _bonito."_

Simon giggled in an almost girlish way. "I'll have to take you up on that, my very sexy vampire lover. In the place you Scorpios love the most," he finished, staring up at Raphael with a contented smirk and half-lidded eyes, his long eyelashes casting slight shadows down his face.

Sebastian began to pout and whined, "_Simmy-kinz,_ I want you to _suck my fingers now_! _And, _maybe someplace else too, now that I think about it..."

Simon turned to Sebastian, the passion-induced smile still on his face. He wordlessly took one of Sebastian's hands into his own and raised it to his mouth, extending his tongue to begin properly...

Max burst into the room.

Without looked at what was going on, Max proclaimed, "VALENTINE sent me in here for WHATEVER REASON to fetch you CREEPERS. Apparently, we're all going out to BRUNCH or SOMETHING..." His eyes fell upon the scene in front of him, and he started having a panic attack, covering his eyes with his hands. "OH MY GAWD, YOU GUYS ARE _NAKED_! CORRUPTING... OF MY NINE-YEAR-OLD _EYES_..."

"GOD-MOTHER-FUCKING-DAMN-IT!" Sebastian exclaimed. "JUST WHEN THINGS WERE GETTING GOOD, YOU HAVE TO FUCKING BURST IN, YOU LITTLE SHIT!"

"And you're one to talk," Simon began. "We walked in on you with LLerman! What are you, like, eight?"

"I am NINE, you QUEERS!" exclaimed the hypocritical Max. "And BESIDES, that was TOTALLY DIFFERENT..."

"Different how? Making out and almost having sex is not different from what we do," Raphael stated. This only flustered the odd boy more.

Out of nowhere, Clary popped up and said in her annoying, nasally voice, "Hey guys! Daddy-kins sent me to see what was taking so long! Oh my Simon! Did I catch you doing raunchy things?"

"Well, I dunno, little sister," began Sebastian in a severely irritated voice. "We're all fucking _naked_ besides that Max thing I killed months ago... Simon was about to give oral sex to my fingers before you two shits crashed in so rudely... WHAT THE FUCKING HELL DO YOU THINK, BITCH?"

Clary pointed calmly at him. "You just said way too many naughty words."

"Oh go back to your elfish baby daddy, bitch!" Raphael snarled, his fangs becoming unsheathed.

Meliorn jumped heroically through a window, a mysterious green cape that matched his leaf tattoo trailing behind, and shrieked, "I AM NOT AN ELF!" The shattered glass from the now-broken window caught the morning light and sparkled in his wake like Edward Cullen's skin.

Everyone, Clary included, was silent for a moment at the spectacle that was currently Meliorn. "I need a drink." Sebastian said dramatically. Clary stepped up to Meliorn a look of outrage on her face. "Meliorn, isn't that your superhero costume for when we role play? You promised you wouldn't wear it anywhere else!"

"I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT YOU ANY MORE, YOU WHINY, GINGER-HEADED BITCH!" declared Meliorn, displaying his strange habit of occasionally shrieking. "JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE THE MOTHER OF MY GOD-DAMN CHILD DOESN'T MEAN THAT I HAVE TO FREAKIN' CARE ABOUT YOU! WHICH I _DON'T_, MAY I ADD!"

Sebastian, feeling oddly protective of his idiotic sister, stepped up saying scarily-calmly, "You want to run that one by me again, elf boy?"

Meliorn was flabbergasted, and his mouth flapped open in the direction of Sebastian. "Um, what?" He added as an afterthought, "AND I AM NOT AN ELF!"

"I said, you want to run that by me again, _ELF_ boy?" Sebastian said, stepping closer to Meliorn. Meliorn became distracted slightly, seeing as he just registered the fact three of the room's occupants were naked, and his eyes drifted down slightly. "Hey, _ELF_ boy I'm up here."

"I AM NOT A FUCKING ELF!" he shrieked.

"Whoa, whoa, WHOA!" exclaimed Max, covering his ears and shifting from one foot to another. "You TEENAGERS keep saying NAUGHTY WORDS!"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A TEENAGER?" Raphael bellowed. "I AM NOT A TEENAGER! I HAVEN'T BEEN A TEENAGER FOR SEVERAL DECADES!"

"That reminds me," Simon said thoughtfully to Raphael, strangely picking up Sebastian's hand and gnawing slightly on its fingers, which made Sebastian moan and groan in a way that made everyone else uncomfortable. "How old are you, Raffie?"

Valentine appeared in the doorway, cutting off Raphael's answer. "Children, it's time to get dressed! We're going out to brunch! And Jonathan, stop that incessant moaning! It's incredibly unbecoming!" After that, Valentine disappeared for a moment, and then reappeared with a glass of brandy, sipping out of it casually.

Everyone else came down to see what exactly was taking so damn long. Let's just say their eyes were severely corrupted.

"AAAAAAAAGH! OUR EYES!" they all screamed, using the typically Max-gesture and clapping their hands over their eyes dramatically. "OUR INNOCENT EYES!"

And somewhere in the world, two very demented teenage girls named  
Carrie and Maddie laughed cruelly...

For they were writing this tale.

_Fin._


End file.
